what i’ve been training for

Today is Boston, as they say.  I love being able to wake up, turn on the TV, and watch all the runners that have been training months, years, even their whole lives, for a race that is less than 20 miles from my house.  I remember watching the Boston Marathon last year, as well.

It was about a month before the marathon in which I’d get my BQ (Boston qualifying time).  I had a beautiful training run that day.  I also had two conflicting ideas of where I could be in a year.  Last year, I hoped that I would either be running Boston in 2015…or that I’d be pregnant again.

I earned my BQ on 5/18/14 with 3:31:35.  I am not sure if this time would have gotten me into Boston this year, as the competition is always fierce and a qualifying time doesn’t guarantee a racing bib.  However, I do know that after my BQ, I was torn.

Around June 2014, I started to feel a pull that I hadn’t felt since losing Darla in December of 2013.  I started to feel the little tug at my heart, a little pain…a tiny loneliness.  Completely independent of any action on my part, my heart was preparing to be a mom again.  I wasn’t ready in June, but July was different.

I felt like I knew how to be strong enough for whatever.  I didn’t have the strength on my own.  Just like in 2013, no matter what was waiting for us this time, we still weren’t alone.  God carried us through the darkest storm when we lost our first baby, and if need be, He would do it again.  I couldn’t lean on my own strength to be ready, I had to cling to where true strength comes from.  I knew how to be brave again.

I still wasn’t quite sure what to do about Boston.  However, after trying unsuccessfully to get pregnant in July, the increase in longing in my heart confirmed that I was definitely ready.  I was more ready than I’d realized.

I knew that, as hard as I had worked to train and qualify for Boston, I wanted this more.  We decided we’d try for a while and see what happened.  If I didn’t get pregnant by when it came time to register for Boston, maybe we’d put it trying on hold.  Maybe?

It never came to that.  We got pregnant in August.  I’ve been blessed with the pregnancy that I’d hoped for.

Now I sit here, on Marathon Monday 2015, less than 2 weeks from my due date, and ready to pop.  I am celebrating all the runners that made it and hoping I someday get the huge honor of joining them.  I still dream to run Boston.  But for now, I’m ok.  I have time.  I’ve been training for this race longer.

To be honest, the idea of giving birth again is scary.  Walking through those hospital doors in active labor will surely be accompanied by a flood of memories from that December night.  Some will be happy, some will be painful.  I’ll never be ready, but in less than two weeks, it’ll be my own marathon.  I don’t know how long it will take, and I don’t know how much it will hurt.  I don’t know if I’ve trained enough, but I know I can make it through.

I just can’t wait to meet our little rainbow baby.

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