For Cooper: tomorrow is your due date
Tomorrow is your due date; I instinctively suspected we wouldn’t make it that far once we first got the news. It’s the date I recited before each weekly ultrasound, echoing with familiarity as I watched your fluid levels drop with each measurement. It’s the date I circled in my planner, back before we knew, which…
always, things will be well.
In this waiting space, most of my thoughts don’t end with a conclusion. I have started so many hope-laced fragments that have lacked an ending, but not direction. Each night as I settle in, I find myself so far from where I start. Some days, nothing can kill my hope, and others, I fall asleep…
i am not brave
I am not brave, not by myself. I didn’t choose this. I do this because I have to. There is so much I don’t know, but I do know that everything always works for good. His good is not in earthly terms. I know impossible things happen. I also know impossible good doesn’t always…
when words fail
It is June, somehow. I feel like I am poking my head out of a warped cavity of time, realizing what has passed by. Enough emotions to fill years, since Easter of 2019, my world has been shifting sharply. A surprise pregnancy in February left me open and vulnerable in a way I had not…
a letter to myself, before motherhood
I have always been enchanted by observation. Somber moments of self-reflection are something that came instinctually to me early in life, as I sat in the bathtub and wondered how I could be sure that I wasn’t the only real person on Earth. (That was a tough one. ) Every time a significant life…
“in pieces:” pregnancy after loss
Pregnancy after loss is a great paradox, laced with the highest highs and lowest lows. We grieve what was, and we grieve what was not. March is Pregnancy After Loss Awareness month. I aim to share three parts of my pregnancy after loss that I found challenging.
i’m thankful for you
One chaotic Saturday, amidst lunchtime cartoons with macaroni and cheese, my toddler was soggy and drowsy from swim class. I, on the other hand, was bustling around at a breakneck pace, preparing for a party we were hosting later in the evening. You can never have enough food; that is, until you are the one…
Christmas in pieces: to the mama who lost her baby
Christmas of 2013 was a season that shaped me forever. As the lights were beginning to twinkle, the cards being written, and the trees cut, we lost our first daughter. As quickly as she entered the world, she left. I was reduced to ashes, small little pieces of a broken mama, unsure where to start.…