Tag: love after loss
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For Cooper: tomorrow is your due date
Tomorrow is your due date; I instinctively suspected we wouldn’t make it that far once we first got the news. It’s the date I recited before each weekly ultrasound, echoing with familiarity as I watched your fluid levels drop with each measurement. It’s the date I circled in my planner, back before we knew, which…
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always, things will be well.
In this waiting space, most of my thoughts don’t end with a conclusion. I have started so many hope-laced fragments that have lacked an ending, but not direction. Each night as I settle in, I find myself so far from where I start. Some days, nothing can kill my hope, and others, I fall asleep…
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i am not brave
I am not brave, not by myself. I didn’t choose this. I do this because I have to. There is so much I don’t know, but I do know that everything always works for good. His good is not in earthly terms. I know impossible things happen. I also know impossible good doesn’t always…
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when words fail
It is June, somehow. I feel like I am poking my head out of a warped cavity of time, realizing what has passed by. Enough emotions to fill years, since Easter of 2019, my world has been shifting sharply. A surprise pregnancy in February left me open and vulnerable in a way I had not…
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“in pieces:” to the mama who lost her baby, for Mother’s Day
Mother’s Day of 2013 wasn’t originally on my radar as a day that would be difficult after my loss. It just wasn’t a day that I gave much thought until around Easter. That’s when the cards started appearing at the grocery stores. The jewelry adds appeared out of nowhere during my evening shows. I couldn’t…
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“in pieces” – bringing home a baby after your loss
In case you haven’t heard: it is hard to bring home a baby from the hospital. Like, really hard. Babies are the great levelers: they come into the world, take one look at everything we have made perfect, and level it to rubble. Yet, lost in a sea of dirty diapers, tears from everyone, and…
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“in pieces:” pregnancy after loss
Pregnancy after loss is a great paradox, laced with the highest highs and lowest lows. We grieve what was, and we grieve what was not. March is Pregnancy After Loss Awareness month. I aim to share three parts of my pregnancy after loss that I found challenging.
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imposter syndrome and motherhood
For as long as I can remember, I have wanted to be a mom. I hoped for it, and after our loss, I prayed it was still in the cards. In this, as my “rainbow baby” pregnancy with Gracie was coming to a close, I sat in the hospital bed perplexed. Perfect pregnancy, healthy baby…I finally…
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“in pieces:” losing a baby changed our marriage
For better or for worse, in sickness and in health. We say it and we mean it, but nothing will truly prepare you to see your spouse broken. As you watch the face you know so well fall, you feel their heart shatter. You catch little glimpses of the parent they want to be, but…
my western nest 